Til that Final Luxury of Fearlessness: A Reflection Inspired by Audre Lorde
“I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood. That the speaking profits me, beyond any other effect…We can learn to work and speak when we are afraid in the same way we have learned to work and speak when we are tired. For we have been socialized to respect fear more than our own needs for language and definition, and while we wait in silence for that final luxury of fearlessness, the weight of that silence will choke us.”
-- Audre Lorde
Audre Lorde says it all in the quote above. I have always been a quiet person. When I was a little kid I would nod or shake my head when speaking to adults on the phone, rather than using my voice. I’ve lived a life where my tongue has often felt in knots. Where I have more often than not swallowed pain, anger, words because I didn’t know what to say, how to say it or didn’t feel like I had permission or the right to say it. I struggled with saying things out loud, but I became a master shape shifter. I can gauge the mood of someone at the most subtle shift of the eyes, tone of voice or body language. I can change the shape of who I am to fit into all manner of spaces and environments.
Shape shifting is a super power in some regards because I can understand a wide variety of people, but the downside is that I’ve often abandoned myself for the sake of others. I’ve often swallowed my voice to fit the shapes that others deemed appropriate or worthy. Shapeshifting has been about keeping the waters still even if it has meant they become stagnant. For this reason, I’m drawn to Lorde’s words above.
In an age where so many take it upon themselves to dissect our digital actions and loudly vocalize their approval or lack thereof, it’s intimidating for a shape-shifting people pleaser to untangle her tongue. In reality though, there is nothing of substance and truth that can be spoken without offending someone. At some point, I have to make the choice to speak clearly and authentically from who I am. There is space to listen, to learn, to grow. There is space to converse, debate and challenge, but the shaping and saying the words out loud matters.
For Reflection
What truth have you been swallowing as a response to fear?
When have you spoken honestly, even though you were trembling? What gave you the courage to speak?
How can you continue to cultivate that courage, even if in small, day to day ways?